James.

Carole emailed today asking for an update. I've honestly sat here a few times, even wrote something last night, but it wasn't right. It wasn't what I needed to say.

My brother is gone.

I knew it the moment we got the call. The Spirit confirmed it to me, but I hoped he was somewhere, holed up, fighting for his life. But the Spirit kept telling me he really is gone.

I've been wondering, since there must be opposition in all things, is there really anything so joyful that can be the opposite of the all-consuming pain of losing someone you love? How did Emma ever survive losing six children, and then a young husband? Did she ever experience anything that would bring her as much joy and happiness that could qualify as the opposite of the agony and despair she experienced? Today I received my answer. I live a truly joyful and blessed life. There are times that are discouraging, times of sadness and pain, but how many days of peace and happiness do I have compared to the days of grief? I wouldn't want to experience the sadness every day that would account for the opposite of the happiness and love I feel daily. So, big amounts of grief for small periods of time is ok. It makes me appreciate the days when there is no grief, no sadness, no despair.

When I am needing answers the most and listening the least, my Father knows how to get through to me. Song. When I'm not in a place I can just sit and listen, when I can totally focus on the Spirit, a song comes to me. Always the perfect song. Not always a hymn, but a song none the less. Once it was Wilson Philips' "Hold On For One More Day." No kidding. This week it has been a hymn. A reminder that I've needed every single day.

Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace

When other sources cease to make me whole?

When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,

I draw myself apart,

Searching my soul.

And the silly thing is, I know it. I've just needed a reminder to pray. I've kind of been on auto-pilot, worrying about my mom, worrying about my husband, worrying about my other brother, trying to function as a mother, all the while thinking, why doesn't everything just stop?! Can't the universe see a part of me has died and I just need everything to stop for a few minutes!?! And then a song comes to my heart and I pray and I can keep going.

I love my brother. He was a wonderful man. He had a lot of skeletons in his closet. So many questions a young boy whose father ended his own life would have. I pray every day that his hero, our dad, is with him and is helping James feel the love of our Savior. That they are asking and answering questions. That the testimony my brother buried years ago under anger and grief and pain is burning in his heart, waiting to be remembered, and that his death will bring some healing and peace to the rest of our family. My biggest hope is that he finally has some peace in his soul.

My brother will be a fearsome angel to behold.

I can't wait to see him again.

I love you Brother.