So, Brandon and I were asked to sing in church, which we did last Sunday. It has been a while since I've sung and I think I've lost my touch. Not that I don't sing in front of a large group every Sunday, but it's the Primary children and really I'm not singing. I'm cheerleading. Not really challenging or embarrassing. I've just totally lost my confidence and it's been really hard for me.
Anyway, today I went to our ward choir practice (8:30 am!!) and then to the Stake choir practice for the Forgotten Carols. I really debated trying out for a specific part and then Brandon got called to be the EQP and I figured we had enough on our plate. Now I'm really regretting it. But, how do you commit to such a demanding thing with a nursing baby? I don't know what my point is. Maybe that I miss singing and especially feeling like I sound half-way decent when I sing. I kind of feel like I've lost part of myself or something.
Just needed a vent. Thanks for reading, or not. Whatever the case, it's out there. Now I need a good cry and I'll get over it. :)
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
My Rock
WARNING! This blog will be full of sentimental mushiness. Read at your own risk.
I've have been pretty emotional today. Not sure why. Possibly a conglomeration of the following: Hyrum is very sick which always makes me worried and motherly; I drove down to the temple with my sister a few weeks ago and we had a really nice talk about my dad; Jim and Pam are getting married on The Office tonight and the clip that keeps running makes me want to cry every time! (uh, if you don't watch The Office, tonight is the night to start, OR, you could catch-up on NBC.com); I found out Brandon thinks he got a concussion falling playing basketball the other night; I just read a cheesy blog post about someone else's wonderful hubby. Whatever the reason, I'm sure Brandon will kill me for this. :)
This is my favorite person in the whole world. He is fun, funny, caring, kind, crazy, happy, occasionally grumpy but for the most part sunny, he can sing, he whistles up a storm, and he has this amazing way of making everyone around him feel welcome. I don't know how he does it. I wish he could pass it on to me. He loves our boys SOOOO much.
I have been amazingly lucky to have had three awesome men in my life. My dad was the first and after he died there was a very vivid void. Many of you out there in my personal blog-o-sphere know a little, but I'm not great talking about it. If you can imagine, my dad's suicide was hard, but harder still was our home life. My dad was bi-polar and the slightest tick could set him off. Never toward me but our home was very tense so as an adult even almost 20 years later being in a situation where there is a lot of stress and aggrivation makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I withdraw totally and cry as soon as I am back in the comfort of my own world, even as soon as getting in the van.
The second is my now-dad Lloyd. He pulled me through. Honestly, I think I'd have been a knocked-up drop-out if not for him. I know you are all thinking that is impossible, but it's true. Just ask him. The huge hole my dad left was mostly filled because of Lloyd.
The final and absolutely irreplaceable is my wonderful, amazing husband. He just knows. He is my rock and he has the intuition to know when I feel like I've been taken back 20 years. He has changed his whole life plan for our family. Given up his childhood dreams and ambitions, which, by the way, he was on his way to seeing accomplished. He will go to bat for me when I don't have the cahones to do it myself. I know I am more important to him than anyone else. He's not afraid to call me on my bull. He let's me know when I'm getting homicidal with the boys. :) He works so hard to make sure we have a wonderful and comfortable home.
He is honestly my rock. I was considering, don't ask why, how I'd feel if I lost him. Lot's of people say they'd die without their spouse. I know that is not true. I'd pull through. I'd be a shell of me, but I'm a mom and I have others to take care of, so I'd survive. But I wouldn't want to. I already know what it feels like to lose the person who makes you feel loved and I don't ever want to feel that again. It's not that I couldn't live without him. I just don't ever want to. Ever. EVER. Life's too long to not have my stability beside me.
My sister hasn't found the right guy yet and I think she is amazing. She is strong and independent and ambitious. I have never been that person. I need someone behind me. I just like to look like I'm that person. :) Fortunately Brandon let's me be that person.
In case you couldn't tell, I love him.
I love you, Honey. Thanks for loving me and all my baggage. You are the greatest.
I've have been pretty emotional today. Not sure why. Possibly a conglomeration of the following: Hyrum is very sick which always makes me worried and motherly; I drove down to the temple with my sister a few weeks ago and we had a really nice talk about my dad; Jim and Pam are getting married on The Office tonight and the clip that keeps running makes me want to cry every time! (uh, if you don't watch The Office, tonight is the night to start, OR, you could catch-up on NBC.com); I found out Brandon thinks he got a concussion falling playing basketball the other night; I just read a cheesy blog post about someone else's wonderful hubby. Whatever the reason, I'm sure Brandon will kill me for this. :)
This is my favorite person in the whole world. He is fun, funny, caring, kind, crazy, happy, occasionally grumpy but for the most part sunny, he can sing, he whistles up a storm, and he has this amazing way of making everyone around him feel welcome. I don't know how he does it. I wish he could pass it on to me. He loves our boys SOOOO much.I have been amazingly lucky to have had three awesome men in my life. My dad was the first and after he died there was a very vivid void. Many of you out there in my personal blog-o-sphere know a little, but I'm not great talking about it. If you can imagine, my dad's suicide was hard, but harder still was our home life. My dad was bi-polar and the slightest tick could set him off. Never toward me but our home was very tense so as an adult even almost 20 years later being in a situation where there is a lot of stress and aggrivation makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I withdraw totally and cry as soon as I am back in the comfort of my own world, even as soon as getting in the van.
The second is my now-dad Lloyd. He pulled me through. Honestly, I think I'd have been a knocked-up drop-out if not for him. I know you are all thinking that is impossible, but it's true. Just ask him. The huge hole my dad left was mostly filled because of Lloyd.
The final and absolutely irreplaceable is my wonderful, amazing husband. He just knows. He is my rock and he has the intuition to know when I feel like I've been taken back 20 years. He has changed his whole life plan for our family. Given up his childhood dreams and ambitions, which, by the way, he was on his way to seeing accomplished. He will go to bat for me when I don't have the cahones to do it myself. I know I am more important to him than anyone else. He's not afraid to call me on my bull. He let's me know when I'm getting homicidal with the boys. :) He works so hard to make sure we have a wonderful and comfortable home.
He is honestly my rock. I was considering, don't ask why, how I'd feel if I lost him. Lot's of people say they'd die without their spouse. I know that is not true. I'd pull through. I'd be a shell of me, but I'm a mom and I have others to take care of, so I'd survive. But I wouldn't want to. I already know what it feels like to lose the person who makes you feel loved and I don't ever want to feel that again. It's not that I couldn't live without him. I just don't ever want to. Ever. EVER. Life's too long to not have my stability beside me.
My sister hasn't found the right guy yet and I think she is amazing. She is strong and independent and ambitious. I have never been that person. I need someone behind me. I just like to look like I'm that person. :) Fortunately Brandon let's me be that person.
In case you couldn't tell, I love him.
I love you, Honey. Thanks for loving me and all my baggage. You are the greatest.
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