why do I have to have a stupid title?

I'm tired today, which means my emotions are pretty hagard, but this week has been hard.

On Sunday we had dinner with some of my extended family at my mom's. I don't think we'd had family dinner at my mom's since Lloyd died, and if we did, it's only been once. Everyone who was coming was there, and then the phone rang. My aunt was calling, but right when it rang, I thought, "There's Werre telling us he's on his way."

Also, my brother-in-law is visiting this week. He and my brother were best friends in high school and a lot of their mannerisms and expressions are the same. Plus, my brother-in-law has changed a little in the last year and something about his stature made me look twice and tell myself it wasn't James when I saw him.  Being around him really makes me miss my brother.

Finally, today for dinner I made Lloyd's signature dish, goolash, but he called it hot dish. I've made it a few times since October, but because I'm tired and my emotions are paper-thin, it's got me in tears.

I wish someone would just tell me the "why" and then maybe I'd be doing better.

And, this has become a place to vent my grief instead of a happy update.  I'm sure I'll have a happy update someday soon, but not today.